So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sorry about my life...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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