i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
