i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
