The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
