I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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