A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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