I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I love you. Go after that dick
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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