She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
