I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
