Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So vagazzling was a success
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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