I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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