talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
