i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
