Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
