My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
