Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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