This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
