i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
