Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize