dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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