3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
