She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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