i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
