woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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