the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You made out with two different species that night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize