i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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