I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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