my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
