WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dicks are not precious.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
