I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
