I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
