I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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