Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
