you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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