Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
