First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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