what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
