I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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