He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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