For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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