Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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