I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
