holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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