So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
