I wish I could teleport
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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