I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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