i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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