Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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