I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
