I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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