Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
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