Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
