Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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