So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
