He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
