no, he came in my armpit
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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