You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
