I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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