I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize